The Last Time

Attending Back to School Night as a parent living with invisible disability

My son helped me out by editing this photo. For privacy reasons, the teacher’s name has been blurred.

Somewhere, I once read about a sneaky fact of parenting; the one you didn’t realize happened, until after it happened — the phenomenon known as “The Last Time.”

For instance, the last time I held my son’s hand as we crossed the street.

Or, the last time I helped my son wiggle his feet into his socks and shoes.

Just a few days ago, there was a last time. Though this “last time” was different because I knew it was coming. More than that, I looked forward to it.

Last Thursday evening was the last time I will attend a Back-to-School Night.

As a former teacher and parent, I always appreciated a parent’s attendance at school functions. At the same time, I completely understand why parents can’t always attend these important school events. (In fact, when I was teaching, if a parent missed Back-to-School Night and/or Open House, I always saved any handouts I distributed that evening, and the following day I sent them home with the student whose parents weren’t in attendance.)

So even though my son is a senior and is a strong student and there were no concerns we needed to discuss with his teachers, last Thursday evening, my husband and I attended Back-to-School Night and met seven of my son’s eight teachers. (One was absent.) We briefly chatted with each teacher and thanked them for all they do. In many instances, we were the only parents in the room.

But oh-my-goodness I am so relieved I won’t have to do that again. Because at my son’s high school, parents follow a very strict schedule during Back-to-School Night. We spend ten minutes in each classroom and have only five minutes to get from one classroom to another.

This means we went to our son’s first period class for ten minutes (4:00 pm - 4:10 pm) and then had only five minutes to get to my son’s second period class — located on the second floor in a different building. Now, I know I’m not going to get penalized for not being in class before the bell rings. (And yes, bells ring throughout Back-to-School Night.) But I consider it a courtesy and obligation for me to try, as hard as I can, not to be late. (You can imagine our frustration when we made it to our son’s second period class, a minute late, and found a note on the door stating the teacher’s absence.)

Which is a long-winded way of saying our son’s high school operates on an ableist mentality when it comes to Back-to-School Night. Parents are expected to be physically able to navigate the stairs, both inside and outside the buildings.

For those who don’t know, school elevators are not easily accessible. You don’t just push the up button like you do in an office building. School elevators require a key to operate, which means you have to get in touch with a school staff member who has the key. (Only a select few have the coveted elevator key. I did have an elevator key the last few years of my teaching career.)

Remember, Back-to-School Night operates on a very tight timetable. There is no extra time built in for navigating the elevator situation. Plus, I never wanted to be a distraction, or make more work for anyone else — things I think about, things I know logically aren’t true, but they feel true to me. I wanted Back-to-School Night to be about my son and his experiences in school, not on my weak left leg and my bad knees and my invisible disability.

Plus, I always feared someone would accuse me of not really needing an elevator. Let’s face it, I don’t look like I “need” an elevator. How best do I explain my invisible-to-others physical limitations?

Now, all that’s behind me. I made it to the finish line — The Last Time I Attended My Son’s Back to School Night.